they dont call em growing pains for nothin

I feel today. Mostly negative to be completely honest. I don't have many solutions today, only questions.

How are my expectations resulting in burdens? I struggle against self-destruction regularly but it has been a tiring fight recently. I know (intellectually) that the world doesn't owe me shit, but my heart hasn't quite caught up. Almost everyday this week I have heard myself complain about how people won't do what I think is right. So irrational. I'm not about absolutes. I'm a moral relativist. This is not me.

So, what caused this emotional sickness? I know pain is not merely physical. Emotional and spiritual sickness is just as contagious as a sneeze. I am submerged in possible plague. Sounds horrible right? Not actually. I've grown more in the past four months then I ever knew possible. There are infinite benefits to this environment.

So, do I really want to escape? Going back to Texas in not an option. I closed that door and burned the bridge. There's nothing to escape to but isolation. I'm not a good candidate for such a lifestyle but whatever needs to be done is what I will do. I'm 21 years old. I'm over safety. I like safety. But...

if I don't leap, I don't fly.

I'm on to something. Thank God for that. Money is scarce and school won't be over for weeks but the good news is coming. Actually it's already here. My best friend Laura will be here in June and I'm looking forward to it.